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Reoccurring Nightmare

May 1, 2006

Last night I had a reoccurring nightmare which I have had since I found out it was Paxil which caused Manie’s birth defect. Usually I wake only remembering bits and pieces of my nightmare, but not this time. This time I woke with tears streaming down my face and a tear soaked pillow.
My Nightmare:
I saw myself standing there in the kitchen of our old house. This was the house I had been living in when I became pregnant with Manie. I knew right away exactly what moment from the past this was. It was so clear this time as if I was really there watching it all happen. Not only was I watching this happen I could physically feel everything that I felt that day. I watch and felt myself push the kitchen chair in that someone had left pulled out. I watch and felt myself get a glass of water. I even felt the coldness of the glass in my hand. I knew what was going to happen next because I had already done this.

At this time I felt someone holding my hand I looked down and it was Manie. He looked up at me and the sadness on his face let me know he knew what was about to happen too. As I looked at him I could hear his heart beating. I knew it was his because of the sound of it. His heart sounds different then any other heart because of the leak. As I continued to look at him I could hear my own heartbeat also. It was as if I could hear his heartbeat in my right ear and mine in the left, both beating at the exact same time. As I stood there looking at him my chest began to ache. With every heartbeat mine was changing to sound just like Manie’s. I felt as if I had ran a marathon and had a heart attack all at the same time. Before I knew it the two heartbeats were now one. I felt scared and worried, but not for me for Manie.

I began to look around for something to help us. I remembered where we were and at what time. I realized I can stop this! As I looked straight ahead of me I saw myself taking the pill from the package. I screamed and I tried to move, but there was nothing I could do! I could not hear myself. My feet were locked to the floor. The more I watch the more I felt our heart pounding and the louder it became. I looked down at Manie and he just stand there crying as if he knew I could do nothing. I continued to scream but nothing worked. Then I could feel it, the feeling of that damn pill in my mouth and the drink of water that carried it down. I felt it as if it was really happening. In a last ditch effort to make it all better I closed my eyes and slowly instead of having just one heartbeat there was two again. The heartbeat in my right ear was normal and healthy. I gave Manie my heartbeat and I took his. As much as my heart ached with pain and as tired as I was I felt good inside. I could feel the scars on my chest. I looked at Manie’s chest his scars were gone. Manie smiled at me and let go of my hand. I could not hear our hearts beating anymore, but I knew he would be alright.

Manie and I were no longer in that old kitchen, we were outside. I watched as Manie ran and ran and ran. I watched as he played football, basketball, baseball and hockey. I watched as he rode the scariest of amusement park rides. There was no more waiting in doctors offices, no more hospitals, no more leg and arm cramps and no more waking in the middle of the night in pain. There was no more medications. Manie did not look tired because he was not tired. He felt good he was finally able to do all the things he ever wanted because the child on the outside finally matched the child on the inside. My nightmare had become a dream. I woke to tears on my face and pillow because Manie was happy. Happy tears turned to sad tears as I slowly realized it was just a dream. The real nightmare is what I live. The nightmare is knowing I can’t make it all better because I really can not change heartbeats with Manie.
Julie Edgington

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